It's Called Being A Grown Up.

The other week a friend of mine shared a video on Facebook. The video chronicles a couple that got divorced, and then both parents remarried. This couple put their child first, and the video is celebrating the new step parents.

I cried like a little baby during pretty much the entire six minute video.

I haven't talked much about what happened here in Laramie after I moved here. Briony moved in with me pretty much right after I got here. She was not in a good place when I got here, and though I made things better for her, she still was not happy living here. Just over a year after I moved here, she moved to Wales to live with her birth mum's parents. She has struggled there as well, but our relationship is better than it ever has been. We are planning vacations together and she's going to be coming to visit this summer. I can honestly say she's one of my two best friends. We share everything, and that's not something every mother can say about their relationship with their daughter. I miss her like crazy, but we are in communication a couple of times a week, and that makes it manageable, at least.

That first year Cale came over for dinner once a week. He and Briony continued to have a close relationship, and it made my heart happy to come home from work and find them hanging out together, in an unplanned visit. I think they probably got along better than they would have if they lived together, because they weren't constantly getting on each others nerves.

The week after Briony moved to Wales, Nid cut me off from Cale. I had made him mad by speaking my mind, not rudely, I was just honest for the first time since he'd moved. People asked my why I was so supportive of Nid after he left, and this is why. I knew that if I upset him he'd cut me off. And he did. It was his choice to let me continue to have a relationship with the children when he moved. Legally, I had no rights. But he wanted me to continue to be their mom, and assisted me by taking them to and from the airport so that I could have them for school breaks in Virginia before I moved here. Then I said one honest thing, and that was the straw that broke my relationship with my son.

Aside from occasionally passing Cale at the park with his friends, and the soccer games I was able to make it to, I have not seen Cale in nearly two years. And my heart breaks every day with the loss. Briony has been gone the same time, but at least I can have a relationship with her. All because Nid and his wife are too insecure to share our son with me.

Am I a perfect parent? Certainly not! I'm hurt by what they have done to me. But the person that is hurt the most is Cale. He is given whatever he wants, and left to come and go. That sounds like a great childhood, but what he's missing out on is real love. He is missing out on having a parent that cares enough to make him to his schoolwork so that he can get scholarships to college, instead of getting Ds and Fs. I have continued to buy him presents and cards, I regularly write him notes, and I put money in a savings account for him. I hope to one day give these to him, so that he knows that regardless of what he has been told about me, if anything, that he is never far from my thoughts.

I haven't wanted to air my "dirty laundry" in public before, but I didn't do anything wrong. Do I want to hang out with and socialize with Nid and Carissa? No. But I am a grown up and I could do it. For the sake of the children. It wouldn't even be that hard, since I have learned over the years, that we are all better off for the way things happened.  

A Joyous Day.

I have always been proud of my daughter.

She is smart (sometimes too smart for her own good).
She is witty (I'd say most of the time, she'd say all of the time).
She is passionate about her beliefs (many of which we share, some we do not).

We have not always gotten along, but what parent gets along with their child 100% of the time?

I have always been proud of my daughter.
But today I am proud to be her friend.

A recent conversation in which she relayed something that recently happened to her sparked another conversation about our lives, our pasts, and our futures. We had previously opened up about some aspects of our pasts, but on this day we shared a lot more, and were more honest with each other than I think we ever have been, as mother and daughter. Prior to today I think that we were friends, but mother and daughter friends. Today I believe we became true friends, not just because we are family, but because we respect and appreciate each other as people, and not just as my child, or as her mother.

I am grateful to the bottom of my heart for this amazing girl who calls me mom.

17th Birthday.

Today is Cale's 17th Birthday. I have not seen him, of course, as I am forbidden, but that does not stop me from thinking of him every day, and missing him almost more than my heart can bare. Especially today.


It is an amazing thing to watch a boy turn into a man. I became Cale's mother six years ago last month. He has changed so much over the last seven years that I have been in his family. He has gone from cute little kid to smelly pre-teen boy to practically a full grown man.


I wrote in to the BBC's Movie Review radio program, with Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode, asking them to wish Cale a Happy 17th Birthday since they read out my letter and wished Briony a Happy Birthday two years ago on her 17th Birthday. They did not read it out, possibly because it was a shorter than normal program last week, but perhaps they will read it out this week.

On the off chance that Cale comes across my blog, I want him to know that I have all of the Holiday / Birthday cards and gifts saved for him from the time we have been separated. One day, when circumstances change, I look forward to giving them to him.

Happy Birthday Cale. Mom loves you, no matter what.

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today Briony moved to Wales to live with her Mum's parents. It was a heart breaking time for me. Things had been hard for a while, and I took it as a personal affront that she wanted to move away. We have since sorted things out, and it had nothing to do with me, which was a relief to find out, but at the time I was gutted. I still miss her, every day, but knowing that we are okay has made the last year bearable.

What has been nearly un-bearable has been my inability to see Cale. The week after Briony left, Nid told me that I could not communicate with Cale anymore. My working theory was that they (Nid and Carissa) were trying to get me to move away. They were not happy that I moved here, to the point that Carissa threatened to move them all to another city if I moved to Laramie. Having a more hands on relationship with Briony and Cale was important enough for me to risk it, so I moved cross country anyway.

I hoped that once they realized that I was not moving away that they would give in and let me see him. That has not happened, and at Christmas they took it even further and made him give back his presents from me. I did not think that my heart could break more, but it did. I am still holding onto the belief that one day when he is not living in that household and can make his own decisions that he will want me to be in his life. That he will know that I always have and always will be there for him no matter what, and that unlike his father I did not force him to chose one of us to be loyal to. Until that I time I will continue going to his soccer games and getting him Holiday and Birthday presents, and one day I will give them to him.

All of these emotions that have been eating at me me have to come out, so I am going to start writing about my feelings and writing about things that have happened. I hope that by getting them out I will reach some sort of peaceful place. There are some people who will not be happy about what I will be saying in future posts, but it is something that I need to do, so that is what I will do.

19th Birthday.

Today, February 1, 2015 is my darling daughter's 19th Birthday.

I wrote her a letter and mailed it to her, but I'm afraid that it has not made it there in time, so here it is.

My Dearest Briony,

I know that I have said this before (perhaps in different words, perhaps in these exact words), but it warrants being said again, as a reminder.

The day that I became your mother was the greatest day of my life. I was so worried about becoming a step-mother, I read books and articles and researched so hard the months before I moved to Leicester. I wanted to do it right, and I wanted us to be a family. It took us some time, but that's exactly what we did become. The day that you first called me Mom, sitting in the car at the grocery store, asking “Mom, what's for dinner?” filled my heart with so much joy. I was so afraid that I had heard you wrong, so I pretended I didn't hear until you asked again.

You (and Cale) are the best blessings I've ever been given. Though there are things about the last eight years that I would change, becoming your mother is not one of them. Things have not always been easy, but that's life, everyone has hard times. The important things is that we came out the other side stronger than before.

I am so glad that I made the decision to move to Laramie. The year we had living together again was so much better than our weekly Sunday phone calls and Spring and Summer breaks in Virginia. We will always have our geocaching day trips, our cuddle time with Bearette, and our family dinners every Sunday with Cale. I wish that you were not so far away, but I have hope that we will see each other again for the important events in our lives. Because that's what family does, no matter the distance.

I love you more than words can express, and more than my heart can bear it sometimes. I am a better person with you in my life, a better person than I thought I could be. Being your Mother has been the most satisfying (and stressful and chaotic and terrifying) time of my life, but I wouldn't trade in this life for any other.

Love Always,

Mom.

XOXO.

I'm... Back?

It has been just over a year since I last blogged. I had not thought much about it at all until last week when I started composing an entry in my sleep. I must have woken up 10 times in the night, and each time I woke up from a dream about blogging. Weird, I thought, but perhaps my mind is telling me something, and perhaps I should listen.

Since deciding that I would indeed blog again, I have not actually done so, and that has bothered me. I have always been a person who enjoys writing, and perhaps this will be a good way to motivate me to work on my more important project, one in which I hope to one day publish and perhaps make a little money.

Boots, Brushes & Brew.

Today Sarah and I went to an event called Boots, Brushes & Brew.
 

We got brunch (catered by Altitude), all the supplies we needed, and instruction (and a cash bar!). I ate a little bit while waiting for Sarah to arrive, and treated myself to a mimosa.

As soon as I got my canvas, I got nervous that I was going to screw this thing up, but I am quite pleased with how it turned out, and am even planning a trip to Cheyenne soon to get some basic supplies myself. I thought that the start up cost would be expensive, but I only used four colours in my painting, and three brushes.

All the ladies were great, and we walked around and complimented each other on our variations of the original painting. No two were alike, that's for sure, but they were all amazing.

January 1, 2014!

January 1, 2013 involved an all day adventure with Heather, in which I discovered 31 geocaches. This year, it was snowing, and we were staying inside and warm. Until I got an alert on my phone, notifying me of a new geocache, that had been placed, and titled Happy New Year: 2014. Well, of course I had to go and find it! Briony and I bundled up and headed out. The description said it would be an easy find when there wasn't snow on the ground.. I didn't let that deter me. I headed out with my car snow scraper in hand, and found it after just a few pokes.

 I had to come back to the car to sign the log, because I couldn't feel my fingers, after just a few minutes in the cold wind.

Hard To Get Used To.

Never in my life have I experience temperatures, where my breath when I get in the car, creates ICE on the inside of my windshield, requiring me to actually SCRAPE off the ice INSIDE the car. It now looks like it snowed in here, and I have to say, scrapers are just not designed for the shape of the windshield from the inside...

Look At That Sunrise!

This is one of the many reasons I love this town.