A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today Briony moved to Wales to live with her Mum's parents. It was a heart breaking time for me. Things had been hard for a while, and I took it as a personal affront that she wanted to move away. We have since sorted things out, and it had nothing to do with me, which was a relief to find out, but at the time I was gutted. I still miss her, every day, but knowing that we are okay has made the last year bearable.

What has been nearly un-bearable has been my inability to see Cale. The week after Briony left, Nid told me that I could not communicate with Cale anymore. My working theory was that they (Nid and Carissa) were trying to get me to move away. They were not happy that I moved here, to the point that Carissa threatened to move them all to another city if I moved to Laramie. Having a more hands on relationship with Briony and Cale was important enough for me to risk it, so I moved cross country anyway.

I hoped that once they realized that I was not moving away that they would give in and let me see him. That has not happened, and at Christmas they took it even further and made him give back his presents from me. I did not think that my heart could break more, but it did. I am still holding onto the belief that one day when he is not living in that household and can make his own decisions that he will want me to be in his life. That he will know that I always have and always will be there for him no matter what, and that unlike his father I did not force him to chose one of us to be loyal to. Until that I time I will continue going to his soccer games and getting him Holiday and Birthday presents, and one day I will give them to him.

All of these emotions that have been eating at me me have to come out, so I am going to start writing about my feelings and writing about things that have happened. I hope that by getting them out I will reach some sort of peaceful place. There are some people who will not be happy about what I will be saying in future posts, but it is something that I need to do, so that is what I will do.

19th Birthday.

Today, February 1, 2015 is my darling daughter's 19th Birthday.

I wrote her a letter and mailed it to her, but I'm afraid that it has not made it there in time, so here it is.

My Dearest Briony,

I know that I have said this before (perhaps in different words, perhaps in these exact words), but it warrants being said again, as a reminder.

The day that I became your mother was the greatest day of my life. I was so worried about becoming a step-mother, I read books and articles and researched so hard the months before I moved to Leicester. I wanted to do it right, and I wanted us to be a family. It took us some time, but that's exactly what we did become. The day that you first called me Mom, sitting in the car at the grocery store, asking “Mom, what's for dinner?” filled my heart with so much joy. I was so afraid that I had heard you wrong, so I pretended I didn't hear until you asked again.

You (and Cale) are the best blessings I've ever been given. Though there are things about the last eight years that I would change, becoming your mother is not one of them. Things have not always been easy, but that's life, everyone has hard times. The important things is that we came out the other side stronger than before.

I am so glad that I made the decision to move to Laramie. The year we had living together again was so much better than our weekly Sunday phone calls and Spring and Summer breaks in Virginia. We will always have our geocaching day trips, our cuddle time with Bearette, and our family dinners every Sunday with Cale. I wish that you were not so far away, but I have hope that we will see each other again for the important events in our lives. Because that's what family does, no matter the distance.

I love you more than words can express, and more than my heart can bear it sometimes. I am a better person with you in my life, a better person than I thought I could be. Being your Mother has been the most satisfying (and stressful and chaotic and terrifying) time of my life, but I wouldn't trade in this life for any other.

Love Always,

Mom.

XOXO.