A year ago today Briony moved to Wales to live with her Mum's parents. It was a heart breaking time for me. Things had been hard for a while, and I took it as a personal affront that she wanted to move away. We have since sorted things out, and it had nothing to do with me, which was a relief to find out, but at the time I was gutted. I still miss her, every day, but knowing that we are okay has made the last year bearable.
What has been nearly un-bearable has been my inability to see Cale. The week after Briony left, Nid told me that I could not communicate with Cale anymore. My working theory was that they (Nid and Carissa) were trying to get me to move away. They were not happy that I moved here, to the point that Carissa threatened to move them all to another city if I moved to Laramie. Having a more hands on relationship with Briony and Cale was important enough for me to risk it, so I moved cross country anyway.
I hoped that once they realized that I was not moving away that they would give in and let me see him. That has not happened, and at Christmas they took it even further and made him give back his presents from me. I did not think that my heart could break more, but it did. I am still holding onto the belief that one day when he is not living in that household and can make his own decisions that he will want me to be in his life. That he will know that I always have and always will be there for him no matter what, and that unlike his father I did not force him to chose one of us to be loyal to. Until that I time I will continue going to his soccer games and getting him Holiday and Birthday presents, and one day I will give them to him.
All of these emotions that have been eating at me me have to come out, so I am going to start writing about my feelings and writing about things that have happened. I hope that by getting them out I will reach some sort of peaceful place. There are some people who will not be happy about what I will be saying in future posts, but it is something that I need to do, so that is what I will do.
