Grief is such a fickle thing. Briony and I have the best relationship that we've ever had. We're closer now than we've ever been. We know things about each other that most parents and children don't know about each other (for better or worse). I just miss her so much, all the time. I know that we'll see each other again, but I also know that we'll never live near each other again.
I don't regret much. I have lived a life, and made choices, some of them good and some of them rash. But I will never regret the choices that led to me becoming a mother. What I do regret, however, is that I took bad advice from an adoption agency in the US that said that I could adopt the children after we moved to Virginia. I had already filled out the paperwork in the UK to start the process, but then we started the process to move to the US and there were going to be conflicts, so I got advice and did not pursue the UK adoption. Once in the US I found out they told me the wrong information and then it was too late. Because of this Briony and Cale could not immediately become US citizens, and would have to wait until they were eligible. Briony chose to leave before she could become a citizen, and she can never come back now. My other regret is not staying in the UK long enough for me to become a dual citizen. I don't know that I'd have even been able to do it, as I realized after I got there my marriage was not what I thought it would be. But having the option, on day, to live near my daughter and her future family is a lovely thought. Unfortunately, that will never happen. And that makes my grief all the worse.
Despite the bone deep sadness I am experiencing right now, I am so grateful that I was able to have this summer with my beautiful daughter. I am so grateful that we could do all of the amazing things that we've done this last month. We will always have these memories and experiences together. Until the next time, when we make new memories.
